Focus

Ed Note: the focus of your desire should not be all about what you desire, but for the other person.
--- Obajowo Jimmy Michael, modified from Anthony Silard

I understand this quote well because I’ve been there. I have felt the perilous self-doubt that follows the other person leaving in a relationship; the feelings of inadequacy, of aimless wandering and confused wondering
about what I did wrong that never yield a conclusive lesson. I have desired to feel attractive again; have defined myself by the attention and approval I received from the opposite sex; have chased others for the love I
couldn’t find within myself. We all have had our moments where we doubt ourselves and try to locate on the outside what we can’t provide ourselves on the inside. It never
works. On your next date, ask yourself if the other person’s desire is to experience desire or to be with you for who you uniquely are.
Ask yourself the same question about your own desire. We often use desire to get our emotional needs met as rapidly as possible, yet, like a farmer hastily throwing seeds onto
the ground, we are unlikely to meet our expectations. A true emotional connection grows at its own (usually much slower) pace.
We often accelerate into intimacy because it feels like we have to wait an eternity to feel intimate love once again. Be patient and also persistent. Put yourself out there: participate
in group activities you will enjoy – such as hiking, skiing, bicycling, practicing Arabic or French, joining a philosophy discussion (I so love this one)– whether you meet someone or not. (A great
source of these activities is www.meetup.com.)
When you least expect it, expect it: someone will come along whom you desire for who they are, not for the feelings about yourself that you futilely hope they will bring into your life, which will never come from an outside source.

References:
Anthony Silard
CEO, Global Leadership Institute

Obajowo Jimmy Michael
Human-Genetics Counselling Institute